Necromancer of Starbucks

necromancer of starbucks

The Necromancer of Starbucks – Be grateful, I could have been hexed with corpse rot for recording this image and quotes.

So I met a necromancer at Starbucks yesterday. Not even kidding.

Don’t know what a necromancer is? Sheesh, kids these days and their inability to understand fantasy jargon… Here’s what Wikipedia says about it but do yourself a favor and play a Dungeons & Dragons game sometime. You’ll thank me later.

Necromancy /ˈnɛkrɵˌmænsi/ is a form of magic involving communication with the deceased – either by summoning their spirit as an apparition or raising them bodily – for the purpose of divination, imparting the means to foretell future events or discover hidden knowledge. The term may sometimes be used in a more general sense to refer to black magic or witchcraft.

Now that’s out of the way, onto the story!

This guy walks up to the register and he’s, rather loudly, signing an off-key variation on “I’m A Believer” from Shrek. The baristas here are pretty cool so no one really pays any mind when he orders nothing but a hot water, then goes to sit down a table away from where I’m drawing.

Well, no one pays any mind until he starts yelling and pointing at no one in particular. Here are a few choice quotes I was able to jot down:

“You can study what you want, I’m gonna practice my ART! And I ain’t gonna call it black magic or witchcraft– I’m gonna study my ART!”

Everyone began to avoid making eye contact when he got up to suddenly… grab the newspaper? He sits back down after repeating the above statement at the same volume and then adds this jewel before intensely reading the newspaper:

“And I ain’t scared of your PENITENTIARIES! Time is time! TIME IS TIME! And you can put that in your pipe and smoke THAT!”

Fun sounding guy, right? Needless to say, I watched one of the baristas subtly pick up the phone and have the local police on standby.

Here’s some of his commentary on whatever he was reading in the newspaper. Keep in mind he’s still yelling everything:

“Yeah, that’s what the Devil WANTS! That your Tops is what he wants!”

Mr. Hot Water Man then decides he is done with the newspaper and gets up to walk around the store, pointing and continuing to yell at no one in particular:

“You can tell your police that I’m certified! The cemeteries belong to ME! You tell them the cemeteries belong to ME and I ain’t gonna call it no black magic or witchcraft!”

Thankfully, he decided his business was now finished at this location and left. We didn’t see him get into a car or anything so we can only assume he simply walked to wherever his next destination was.

What should we take away from this lovely encounter? Words of wisdom, folks: Time is time :p

So, how was your afternoon yesterday?


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